Can we ever justify physically abusing our children?

A recent case in Norway about an Indian couple who were arrested for abusing their son has been in the media. I would also point out the obvious that these stories that appear in the media are more complicated than what the press can ever cover. In this case, as in the previous one, the child had a behavior disorder. No case that reaches court comes there over-night. It takes months of observation and discussions from several sources before it ever comes this far.

The case is of course complicated, the Indian media claiming that the Norwegian government and its rules on Child Protection are threatening foreigners and immigrants. The law seems to target children form other countries, immigrant parents are innocent victims and so on.... The media needs viewers, so sensationalism is very much in their interest. And of course, there is no smoke without some fire. But I leave the main part of this discussion to others. 

Here I just want to talk about violence against children and just touch upon cultural understanding. 

Is there any reason or excuse in this world for abusing our children? Do we still live in a world where we expect children to be seen but not heard? 

We, as women are outraged at the abuse and violence against women. We hold protests, we have organisations and governments lobbying against this most terrible injustice. We as women are adults, we can walk away, even though I know it is not easy. But can children walk away from abusive parents? Can they walk away from the people whom they are completely dependent on? They did not ask to be born, they did not choose their parents. We, as adults, at least can choose our partners in life.

Whether this particular couple has abused their child or not is not a matter of which country they have come from or which culture they have been brought up in, in my opinion. Abuse by anyone, is a matter of a lack of respect for the life they have brought into this world. It is a lack of understanding of the enormous responsibility that they have as parents - making sure their child is happy and in turn becomes a responsible adult. 

The Norwegian laws are for the protection of the weakest section of our society as they view it in their country. Children are the most loyal and trusting of all humans. It is our job to protect them and give them the best of ourselves. Because tomorrow they will be a reflection of ourselves. Have we raised them to be human? Or animals, where there is only room for the strongest?

At this juncture, I want to say it is not easy for anyone coming from a vastly different land and culture that India is compared to Norway. I can understand the frustration, the uncertainty and insecurities that we would all face when we realize that everything is different. To complicate the picture, we have no network. No elders to intervene or even curious neighbors to curb our actions. What happens behind closed doors actually remains behind closed doors. 

I think it would be unwise of us to underestimate the pressures and stresses that many young parents face, in addition to being first-time parents without some elders to guide them during the first crucial years. After all, our children may look like us, but they are separate individuals and will not necessarily even think like us. They have grown up in another country, in another environment. It is an enormous challenge to make sure that we find similarities within our own cultures and in our host culture. It may be advisable to sometimes seek help from within the community, where one can share experiences and help one another in finding ones way in  a new country. 

I believe that certain rules of society are the same, where ever we are in this world: no child abuse, no violence against the weaker part of our society. I don't think we can ever justify violence against those who are dependents on us.

It is however a challenge for the Norwegian child protection authorities to understand certain cultural differences. Sitting around the TV and doing home work together with our family members is not a failure to take good care of our children, eating with our fingers is not a failure to take good care of our children, sleeping with our children in the same bed when they are small is not a failure to take good care of our children, to tell our children that they need to behave when in public and use threats such as "no nursery for you" or "we'll go back home to our homeland" or "no more chocolate" is not a failure to take good care of our children. 

If you look on the other side of the picture: immigrant children, specially Indians, are doing well in schools and Universities, they respect their elders, they are hard working and high achievers. Why is that so? Can children continue to show such success if they are not able to assimilate into the Norwegian system? Or if their parents have simply closed their eyes and ears to what Norway has to offer them and their children?

The authorities need to also be open to a dialogue, not a monologue. As long as it is seen as important that immigrants understand the local laws and the Norwegians don't have to understand or accept different cultural viewpoints, we will be at a standstill. While is it important for immigrants to understand the Norwegian laws, the child care services need to understand the subtle cultural nuances. That can only happen when Norwegians too can climb down from their high moral horses and meet the immigrant communities half way.  

And I think we that in all communities, Norwegian, Indian or immigrant, we agree that violence is NEVER THE ANSWER - SPECIALLY VIOLENCE IN THE NAME OF LOVE............ There can never be love where there is violence against those who depend on us for their well-being. 

Love and peace, my friends. 

Prasantha