Actually, I can......

I first saw those words written by Ramya, my daughter. And I asked her what she meant by that. And she said - do you know how frustrating it is when people underestimate me or think I can do less than they can? Simply because I don't 'see' the world as they do. So it's to show them that - actually, I can do whatever I want. 

It was the first time that I heard such a long explanation from my usually calm and smiling younger daughter. I had to ask her, 'do I also do that'? 

She hesitated just for a few seconds and replied, 'yes Amma. You do sometimes......' She must have noticed the horror in my face because she corrected herself immediately. So sorry, Amma. I didn't mean it like that she said as her face hung. I reassured that she had nothing to be sorry about while I should the one to apologize for my assumptions and I was transported to a time when I assumed she was totally well and treated her just the same way as any child. Then she became ill. Again my assumptions about how to treat her changed. Now she is nearing adulthood and again how my assumptions maybe stifling her, trying to control her unpredictable future. 

Ramya asked about how it was when  she first became ill. Those days are like a bad dream and days and nights I would rather not remember. Yet, I cannot forget them. My beautiful, laughing, smiling child was transformed. She cried in pain. Became fuzzy and difficult. She refused to eat and drink. Then the worry set in when her body became stiff and she was unable to bend her legs or her arms, she could no longer walk. She said her body was in pain and she felt her body was on fire. 

I remember the frantic search for the best pediatrician in town. Blood tests. Grandparents (my parents) totally devastated by seeing their granddaughter go through so much pain.  The first doctor said - childhood tantrums. The next was an ayurvedic doctor, the next was a homeopathic doctor. None helped. There seemed to be no cure - no help as we watched her breathing becoming more laborious. My father finally saw a bill board - let us go in here he said. Its a pediatrics clinic. As little Ramya lay in my sisters arms - stiff  and barely breathing, in the waiting room, he doctor came out. Within minutes he shouted and said - ICU now!!! He brought her back to life. Brought her back to me and I will be eternally grateful to him. 

Dr Radha Krishna, he said to me she will be awake and normal within 6 hours. Even my gradfather, who had undiagnosed cancer at the time, slept on the floor that night - for the health of his great grand child. I just sat at her bedside and exactly as told by that God sent doctor, Ramya woke up and showed me - a drawing. Look, amma. I am drawing! Please don't worry any more, she said. And I remember how my parents, my grandparents, everyone heard her and hugged her and kissed her and left saying she needed rest. I myself sent a silent plea to God. This is the second time, you have tried to take her away from me I cried in my heart. I promise to guard her with my life. I promised all the Gods. Everyone of them I could think. 

Within the next few weeks we made all the preparations to return home with intravenous calcium and we made it home in one piece before I collapsed. 

The real story began then. The diagnosis. The uncertainty. The doubts. The questions. Why? Why? Why? Why? There were no answers. I stopped sleeping in our bed and moved to Ramya's room. I woke up every hour to check her breathing, convinced that God has decided He needed my good, beautiful child with him. 

Right now, to continue will take much more will power from me than I feel I have.  

I also have to mention my older daughter. She is an incredible young lady. Within days her life too changed and yet she remained strong, supportive and at a time when most teens would have acted impossible due to the lack of attention she stood my us, beautiful and stoically. Today she is a doctor. Today is simply a support from afar and the moment she arrives sunshine arrives with her. She is Ramya's inspiration. 

You can read Ramya's version of the initial diagnosis......

Let me link to my daughters blog. Because that is who she is today. And I am proud of her. She is an incredible child. 

Www.actually-ican.blogspot.com.

Love and peace.... More to follow. 

Prasantha. 

What is happiness?

This year, I want to look within myself. To see what it is that makes us happy. And does happiness bring with it contentment? I feel that we depend more and more on external factors to make us happy - like if I get that raise, I'll be happy, it I can buy that house, I'll be happy or even something as simple as - if I lose 10 kgs, I'll be happy. 

Happiness seems to be linked with something, often, something that is not directly connected to our contentment or rather I should say our inner contentment. Happiness is expressed through the external although we laugh, we sing, we smile, we are generous and so on when when are happy. We want to share it with the world. 

So if happiness is an internal emotion that we must find in our own minds, hearts and souls, why do we strive so much to show it externally? 

Or have I misunderstood the whole concept? 

This year, my aim is to find out what makes me happy. Am I defined by making others happy? Is that who I am? What makes me happy? Just looking at a beautiful sunset? Or a flower that will fade away? Or the majestic mountains that will not fade away for at least another million years? Are they all not external sources of happiness? Just like a new television. Or a new phone? Or some jewelry??? Makes me smile - it's the season of gifts and I find that all I want is peace. Peace in my heart. In my soul and in my mind. Peace in the world. A peace that has no boundaries and a peace that brings us together - not tear us apart. But will this peace bring me happiness? Or will I want more? 

Please share your thoughts with me...... 

Love and peace - my friends

Prasantha. 

It's been a while.......

Dear friends,

It's been a while, a long while since I wrote my blog. It isn't because I didn't have any thing to say, but I was moving through life at a very fast pace. I had wanted to write the story of a life time only to realize that I needed more than a few moments here and there. 

I wanted to get into shape and realized that its hard work and I am still a project in progress. 

I wanted to get healthy but realized giving up chocolate is not an option and am still trying to figure out where did my self-control go? Why have I let myself come to such a stage where every part of me needs to be fixed?

Or maybe it's not me that needs fixing. Perhaps its the world around me that needs fixing? 

When will I learn to look at myself in appreciation instead of derogation? As always, there are never any easy answers and so the days pass. 

I have had alot of time to reflect and think. Mostly because I have had an ACL tear and had to be operated on. The right knee is now slowly gaining strength and I have been spending sleepless nights in contemplation whenever the pain subsides and allows my mind to think. 

It is amazing- how we function as humans. I have more respect for my knees and legs now than before, realizing that without their cooperation, there is very little I can do. And being surrounded by so much love, makes me humble. Knowing that I have a mother and father who have the energy to support me and bear me makes me feel blessed. A child who is an inspiration for all she faces makes me feel joyful and proud that she is my child. 

Perhaps all is not so wrong in the world. And perhaps it's only our attitude that needs fixing and not the world. 

So take some time and let me know your thoughts on what you are contemplating on these days. 

With love and peace

Prasantha 

The Indian Man.....

I will say, generally speaking, Western men, specially Scandinavians are known to participate equally on the home front and do it gladly. They don't think taking care of their children, cleaning the house, dishes or cooking as mainly a woman's job but a shared responsibility.

But then again, there are those who are just like men all over the world - who have expectations from their wives/ girlfriends and what their roles are or should be. Basically we would find all kinds of men just as we would find all kinds of women. 

So, when I hear some of my Indian friends say, 'oh, he's a typical Indian man, you know,' in a particular tone of voice, almost derogatory, I look at their husbands, their sons. And wonder - what are they actually saying about their husbands and sons? 

But, personally I feel, it gets worse: when an young Indian man stands up and says - oh I used to be a typical Indian husband but I changed. And then he proceeds to point to other older Indian men and say, he told me to listen to my wife, he showed me how to wash dishes, he helped me teach my daughters football.... Then I am left with this question - were those not Indian men you just pointed out who helped you become a better husband and father? Are they not typical Indian men? So, I am left still wondering - What makes a typical Indian man? 

Why do we look down on ourselves and our Indian men? I know they are not perfect, but then again - who is perfect? 

In every society, even one as liberal and where there is much equality between sexes as the Scandinavian society, women are abused, women are raped and harassed on the roads with cat-calls and so on. And if you think its the so-called immigrant men where women seem to have a lower social standing, you are in for a shock. Its actually Norwegian men who are often the ones that call out names after women on the streets. So what is equality? The right to work equally as a man, and earn equal pay alone? Or is to be able to walk the streets as freely as any man, not judged by our dress and looks?

I am of course being harsh - I do see that there is always room for improvement. Real equality is actually mutual respect in my opinion, an understanding from your partner that, as a woman you have several responsibilities - old parents and their care, children and their progress, ones own career, making a comfortable home (shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) for everyone. And that has nothing to do with whether you are Indian or Western. It has to do with feeling confident in your role as a partner and appreciation of one another. And its also understanding that men too have more responsibilities that they didn't have before - such as changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, parents, and their own careers too. We still expect our men to fix the car, change the tires, mow the lawn, do all the small repairs around the house etc... Don't we?

Indian men, at least in my opinion (and I know only a few men close enough and therefore my knowledge is limited), are the same as anywhere in the world. Its how we as mothers bring up our sons and daughters. And so it seems - its still the woman's responsibility.... What do we teach our sons and daughters? Back to the start.............

Have a great day friends..... 

With love and peace

Prasantha

Is it all attitude?

I am in awe!

Norway is a beautiful country, I am sure you've heard about it a dozen times. But as any country it has its ups and downs. While living here for the past 25 years, its easy for me to criticize this country on some issues and get blase about that which we initially appreciated this country.

View from our room

Today, what I wanted to tell you about this place that I am stayed at, a health resort for both physically and mentally challenged children and young adults and their families.

Its a place called Beitostølen. From the moment I arrived, I was made to feel that anything I demanded, whether it was vegetarian food, or that our medicines are stored carefully in a fridge and a specific time to collect them was not a problem. Everything could be accommodated. We were personally taken to our room, shown the important places that we would need immediately. The cook in the restaurant noted down that we were diabetic, that we were vegetarian and we were Indian. There were some cleaners in the corridor and they were cleaning away and chatting with each other. I saw a group of young people, two in wheelchairs and several sitting around in the lobby. while we were waiting to register ourselves, these youth were talking about hair and how to maintain it. After a long time, I was so happy to hear young people, whom I know have several health issues (that's why they are here in the first place) talking about simple everyday issues. It brought a smile to my face as I saw this young very beautiful girl, in a wheel chair tossing her head, letting the boys see her bountiful mane and drawing attention to herself by saying - but my hair gets ruined so easily. And of course receiving compliments to the contrary.

View from the restaurant 

The second day I was there, I took a walk with my daughter who was very ill last year and therefore qualified for this stay, paid entirely by the state for her and myself for three full weeks As I was walking with her I told her that I wish I could build such a place in India. She smiled and said, would it not be expensive? Yes it would, but as I thought more about it, I realized that it is actually easy to build a building and make sure that all the equipment etc is installed. But the beauty of the place was not the building or its setting (although that too helps in creating the total picture). It was the people who worked there.

Its all in the attitude, in my opinion. Whether you are a cleaner, doctor, nurse, cook, or the receptionist: you were important to the smooth running and in creating that relaxed atmosphere. Everyone was equal. That I realized is what makes Norway a unique place. Its how they treat all people - equally. A cleaner is not looked down on, she/he are given due importance. The nurse often has better command over the needs of a patient and guides the doctor, the receptionist knows who is in what room and what their special needs are. Of course, I have not even began to talk about the activity leaders, physiotherapists, occupational therapists and students who are under training, or the stable personnel.

So while I can build the building, I wonder if I can bring similar attitudes to the place I want to build. Will these patients be looked down on? Will the cleaner be shouted at simply because the receptionist is higher on the social ladder? Will the doctor ignore the nurses' advice simply because she is just a nurse? And the sports instructors and students, the stable persons, all of them with their important roles that make everything run so smoothly and are experts in their areas?

These are just some of my questions and thoughts. What do you think?

Love and Peace

Prasantha