It's been a long while!!

s been a while, mostly because my head was some where else. Much has also happened in all this time. 

Some good, some bad. 

The good news is my eldest daughter got married last year in August, 2017. It was a simple but beautiful ceremony and although it was not easy, emotionally for me, we did it with all our hearts and its wonderful to see her happy.

My second daughter has had her ups and downs. 

Since its been a while, I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information. While the body has been taking a beating, the mind has been active. 

Keep watching and moe to follow. My world has many exciting moments and I cannot wait to share my thoughts with you.

Much love and peace. 

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Daughters are a blessing........

I have written a lot about my younger daughter. She is a remarkable girl there is no doubt. But I never forget what my eldest daughter has meant to me. She was my first introduction to what selfless love means. She made me a mother. She made me strong enough to bear all that came during her childhood and later on in life. 

Sravanthi's wisdom is not the same as my younger child's. Yet she is wise. She has always been more like a friend to me rather than a child. We played together, we hid together, we studied together, we felt bad about the same things together. And she is the only one with the courage to calm me down. The only one who understands me with a touch. And what really amazes me is how she can sometimes put aside her own sorrow to offer me comfort and bring joy into our lives. 

It never also ceases to amaze me that I have been so blessed to have such strong beautiful, generous humane women born to me. Women of substance. That is what they are. 

Sravanthi is now a doctor. She chose that profession as she told me once - I thought about what I wanted to do in my life. I want to really help people feel better. And I have concluded that as a doctor I can do it best with that profession. Some times my heart swells with pride, not so much because she is a doctor and her achievements, but her simplicity, her love of nature, of all living creatures. Her compassion and her sense of fairness. 

Its her smiles, I love. I love her laughter. I love her voice. I love it when she calls me - Amma- in a voice which seems to say - hug me, I miss you, I love you, can you take care of me now. How I miss her childhood, when her dreams reached up to the stars and beyond. My wish, my dreams are that she continues to reach for the stars, that is my wish for both my daughters. 

Yes. Her wisdom is not the same as Ramya's wisdom, yet it is there, in the way she bends her head when listening to you, in the way she smiles and nods her head in understanding, in the way when unguarded she may say something as simple as - no one can stop you from doing what you want Amma. 

Do you think I can take credit for raising such fantastic girls? Am I a good example to them? Have I given them all the knowledge I have acquired over these past years to protect them and make the right choices? With Sravanthi I will always feel that I didn't have enough time with her, for now she is a grown woman. And time is past when my experiences have any relevance in her life today. 

I am immensely happy for your presence in my life - dear dear child. You are both my blessings and the accumulation of all that good karma in my life. To serve you is a pleasure and a joy I never knew can exist. 

Love you. My stars. My blessings. My daughters..... 

Actually, I can......

I first saw those words written by Ramya, my daughter. And I asked her what she meant by that. And she said - do you know how frustrating it is when people underestimate me or think I can do less than they can? Simply because I don't 'see' the world as they do. So it's to show them that - actually, I can do whatever I want. 

It was the first time that I heard such a long explanation from my usually calm and smiling younger daughter. I had to ask her, 'do I also do that'? 

She hesitated just for a few seconds and replied, 'yes Amma. You do sometimes......' She must have noticed the horror in my face because she corrected herself immediately. So sorry, Amma. I didn't mean it like that she said as her face hung. I reassured that she had nothing to be sorry about while I should the one to apologize for my assumptions and I was transported to a time when I assumed she was totally well and treated her just the same way as any child. Then she became ill. Again my assumptions about how to treat her changed. Now she is nearing adulthood and again how my assumptions maybe stifling her, trying to control her unpredictable future. 

Ramya asked about how it was when  she first became ill. Those days are like a bad dream and days and nights I would rather not remember. Yet, I cannot forget them. My beautiful, laughing, smiling child was transformed. She cried in pain. Became fuzzy and difficult. She refused to eat and drink. Then the worry set in when her body became stiff and she was unable to bend her legs or her arms, she could no longer walk. She said her body was in pain and she felt her body was on fire. 

I remember the frantic search for the best pediatrician in town. Blood tests. Grandparents (my parents) totally devastated by seeing their granddaughter go through so much pain.  The first doctor said - childhood tantrums. The next was an ayurvedic doctor, the next was a homeopathic doctor. None helped. There seemed to be no cure - no help as we watched her breathing becoming more laborious. My father finally saw a bill board - let us go in here he said. Its a pediatrics clinic. As little Ramya lay in my sisters arms - stiff  and barely breathing, in the waiting room, he doctor came out. Within minutes he shouted and said - ICU now!!! He brought her back to life. Brought her back to me and I will be eternally grateful to him. 

Dr Radha Krishna, he said to me she will be awake and normal within 6 hours. Even my gradfather, who had undiagnosed cancer at the time, slept on the floor that night - for the health of his great grand child. I just sat at her bedside and exactly as told by that God sent doctor, Ramya woke up and showed me - a drawing. Look, amma. I am drawing! Please don't worry any more, she said. And I remember how my parents, my grandparents, everyone heard her and hugged her and kissed her and left saying she needed rest. I myself sent a silent plea to God. This is the second time, you have tried to take her away from me I cried in my heart. I promise to guard her with my life. I promised all the Gods. Everyone of them I could think. 

Within the next few weeks we made all the preparations to return home with intravenous calcium and we made it home in one piece before I collapsed. 

The real story began then. The diagnosis. The uncertainty. The doubts. The questions. Why? Why? Why? Why? There were no answers. I stopped sleeping in our bed and moved to Ramya's room. I woke up every hour to check her breathing, convinced that God has decided He needed my good, beautiful child with him. 

Right now, to continue will take much more will power from me than I feel I have.  

I also have to mention my older daughter. She is an incredible young lady. Within days her life too changed and yet she remained strong, supportive and at a time when most teens would have acted impossible due to the lack of attention she stood my us, beautiful and stoically. Today she is a doctor. Today is simply a support from afar and the moment she arrives sunshine arrives with her. She is Ramya's inspiration. 

You can read Ramya's version of the initial diagnosis......

Let me link to my daughters blog. Because that is who she is today. And I am proud of her. She is an incredible child. 

Www.actually-ican.blogspot.com.

Love and peace.... More to follow. 

Prasantha. 

What is happiness?

This year, I want to look within myself. To see what it is that makes us happy. And does happiness bring with it contentment? I feel that we depend more and more on external factors to make us happy - like if I get that raise, I'll be happy, it I can buy that house, I'll be happy or even something as simple as - if I lose 10 kgs, I'll be happy. 

Happiness seems to be linked with something, often, something that is not directly connected to our contentment or rather I should say our inner contentment. Happiness is expressed through the external although we laugh, we sing, we smile, we are generous and so on when when are happy. We want to share it with the world. 

So if happiness is an internal emotion that we must find in our own minds, hearts and souls, why do we strive so much to show it externally? 

Or have I misunderstood the whole concept? 

This year, my aim is to find out what makes me happy. Am I defined by making others happy? Is that who I am? What makes me happy? Just looking at a beautiful sunset? Or a flower that will fade away? Or the majestic mountains that will not fade away for at least another million years? Are they all not external sources of happiness? Just like a new television. Or a new phone? Or some jewelry??? Makes me smile - it's the season of gifts and I find that all I want is peace. Peace in my heart. In my soul and in my mind. Peace in the world. A peace that has no boundaries and a peace that brings us together - not tear us apart. But will this peace bring me happiness? Or will I want more? 

Please share your thoughts with me...... 

Love and peace - my friends

Prasantha. 

It's been a while.......

Dear friends,

It's been a while, a long while since I wrote my blog. It isn't because I didn't have any thing to say, but I was moving through life at a very fast pace. I had wanted to write the story of a life time only to realize that I needed more than a few moments here and there. 

I wanted to get into shape and realized that its hard work and I am still a project in progress. 

I wanted to get healthy but realized giving up chocolate is not an option and am still trying to figure out where did my self-control go? Why have I let myself come to such a stage where every part of me needs to be fixed?

Or maybe it's not me that needs fixing. Perhaps its the world around me that needs fixing? 

When will I learn to look at myself in appreciation instead of derogation? As always, there are never any easy answers and so the days pass. 

I have had alot of time to reflect and think. Mostly because I have had an ACL tear and had to be operated on. The right knee is now slowly gaining strength and I have been spending sleepless nights in contemplation whenever the pain subsides and allows my mind to think. 

It is amazing- how we function as humans. I have more respect for my knees and legs now than before, realizing that without their cooperation, there is very little I can do. And being surrounded by so much love, makes me humble. Knowing that I have a mother and father who have the energy to support me and bear me makes me feel blessed. A child who is an inspiration for all she faces makes me feel joyful and proud that she is my child. 

Perhaps all is not so wrong in the world. And perhaps it's only our attitude that needs fixing and not the world. 

So take some time and let me know your thoughts on what you are contemplating on these days. 

With love and peace

Prasantha